Gossip Girl

NEW YORK (The CW) ― NEW YORK - Every week, 'Gossip Girl' know-it-all Rachel Seidman-Lockamy will recap the latest episode. All the dirt, all the drama from the privileged kids on the Upper East Side.

Queen B is on the warpath. See, her Little Miss Iowa new teacher decided Blair deserved a grade worthy of her name, and that B sent our princess on a downward spiral. Now Yale's on the line, and she'll stop at nothing to get her golden ticket.

Blair, looking dashing in a red jacket, complains about having detention while Serena checks herself out in the mirror. Oh, yes, S. You look much more your teenage age when "the girls" are safely stashed away. Anyway, Queen B has her sweetest and most adorable minion, Dorota, working hard at cleaning up the park while S and B chat about Ms. Carr.

Papa Waldorf shows up bearing Handsome, the dog, and a picnic basket. Blair and Dorota quickly switch off so it looks like B has been doing all the work. Ah, Dorota. How long will it be til you let the Queen fall?

Ms. Carr and Dan eat breakfast together, and she's fawning all over his writing. Ok, we got a sneak peek of his story on Charlie Trout, and I can tell you; it's not much to write home about. Methinks Ms. Carr has aspirations of a not-clean nature with her student.

Serena shows up to break up the love-fest, and Dan's quick to pat S hello and get out of Dodge before it all blows up.

Meanwhile, Chuck wakes up with only vague memories of the night before, and he looks ever so dashing with the new hair. Glad the emo-mop is gone, Chuck. You look much more authentic. (With a spoon!) Chuck recruits Nate and his lovebug V to come out and help him put together the pieces.

Nate seems totally nonchalant about blowing off school to check out Chuck's mystery. Apparently, Chuck got a strange invitation and says he showed up at the address and things were all out awesome. Oh, and he says this while looking hot in a velvet jacket. Wow.

Chuck recalls his night, and this gorgeous woman he found, the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Looks like he's having no problem getting over his beautiful ex-lover Blair. Now he's all about finding that total hottie in the mask.

V and Nate make themselves totally un-useful by playing piano while Chuck wanders around recalling the "ultimate gentleman's club." Now, it looks completely normal and boring, but Chuck talks about the hot women in masks. Then, there on the piano, he spots the picture of the hottie, but she's holding a baby! Is Chuck ready to be a stepdaddy?

Turns out the place is for sale and Chuck checks it out. At first, he's really broken up to find out the "husband" agreed to move, but then he's thrilled to realize the woman in the picture is the Nanny. Didn't Chuck lose his virginity to a nanny? I think I'm seeing a pattern in Chuck's life. Looks like Lonely Boy isn't the only one spending quality time with an older woman.

He sneaks a peek at the real estate agent's file and calls up the family only to find out this nanny, Elle, was nowhere near that party the night before. Drama!

Blair shows up at school with her note stating she completed detention, and Ms. Carr plays nicey-nice while Blair eyes her minions dressed in coats of vivid color, but none moreso than the Queen B herself. She wears blood red. Get the picture? Music swells as Blair gives the most patriotic speech of her life; they have to leave a legacy. But, the girls are totally not into it.

Oh, and the Headmistress drops the bomb on the students; no cell phone use during school hours. I'm pretty sure that was the rule at my school 24/7, but the inhabitants of the UES aren't going to go down easily. Want to know who's behind this? Ah, the lovely Miss Carr, who just put a nice target on her back.

Hazel sits in the girl's bathroom chattering about checking Gossip Girl like she's needs to sneak a smoke, and Blair sneaks Dorota into the school with a bag of cell phones. The girls are going to play dirty, and if we know Blair Waldorf, someone is about to crash and burn.

When the girls find nothing juicy on Ms. Carr, Blair orders them to make something up. Knowing these minions, it's going to be yummy. Blair takes off into the hall just in time to see Lonely Boy awkwardly flirting with Teacher. He seriously just complimented her sweater, and the minions are checking it out.

As soon as word gets around campus, all the guys act like Dan is king of the crop, and Jenny's aching for the 411 on her brother's love life. He tries to deflect and compliments her on not looking like a raccoon with the eyeliner anymore, and all of us in cyberspace agree the improvement is major. But what about you and Teacher? C'mon! We want dirt even if we know it's made up (well, sorta). Jenny holds up her hand to reveal the Gossip Girl text, and I'm dying here. They're texting via ink and hand. Ah, the good ole days before technology… Lonely Boy tries to deflect the questions about Ms. Carr and Serena's not so sure the GG rumor is just a rumor. I mean, she saw them together just that morning.

Dan tracks B down to the Ladies Room, and I'm having "My So-Called Life" flashbacks. (Oh, Jordan Catalano, where are you now?) Lonely Boy argues for his teacher's sake while Blair totally taunts him. Outside, Ms. Carr accepts S's extra credit work and then covers her in affection and unnecessary platitudes. It really makes my stomach turn. Come on, Ms. Carr. We need to toughen you up if you're gonna last at Constance.

Everyone stares at Ms. Carr and S actually informs an adult about what Gossip Girl is. Insert scary music here. We so don't need grown-ups getting in on the GG goodness, unless it's Serena's mom. She's cool enough to be in the know, as long as she doesn't tell Rufus.

Blair gets called into Headmistress Queller's office again and Ms. Carr stands watch as they acknowledge they knew about Gossip Girl and know Blair posted the rumor about Lonely Boy and Teacher. Turns out Nelly Yuki turned on Blair and turned her in. She's so totally out of the cool girl's group. Then, the bomb really gets dropped. B gets expelled.

Daddy Waldorf asks Blair to come clean, and she actually admits that she might have posted something on Gossip Girl, but that anything she wrote was truth. Then, she promises her Daddy that she didn't lie, and he gets as crazy as she gets and says he's going to sick his lawyers on the school because of Lonely Boy and Teacher.

Meanwhile, V is getting on Lonely Boy, jokingly nudging at him for turning on Blair. Turns out Rufus and the rest of the Parents Committee knows about the "slander" of Ms. Carr and Lonely Boy. The two men try to talk it over as Vanessa locates a possible clue to Chuck's mysterious night.

S and Ms. Carr meet at the park for a bit, and Serena sticks up for her girlfriend, Queen B. Serena tries to explain the laws of the UES to Ms. Carr, but she's not budging and says she hopes they can stay friends even though she's totally destroying B's future. S calls B to say Ms. Carr won't come around, and Blair asks Dorota to give Handsome the dog to a nice, homeless person because she doesn't deserve him. If it weren't so laughable, I'd cry. S realizes Ms. Carr left her planner behind on the bench and can't help but sneak a peek at an appointment. Oooh. When the two Queens of Constance unite, there's no turning back.

Ms. Carr and Lonely Boy are out to dinner. Turns out she wanted to thank him for ratting out Blair. They share a really awkward conversation where she basically says he can call her in five years. Ok, you just don't say that to a hormonal teenager. It's just ammunition! S shows up in time to see Lonely Boy stroking Teacher's face, and makes a quick, gut-reaction decision to snap a photo with her phone. Finally, this is getting juicy.

Elle shows up to meet Chuck who knows where, bearing a single candle. She says he was never supposed to end up at the party, and he tells her she's the only thing he remembers before laying one on her. Yup, typical Chuck Bass. Turns out she was there for Papa Bass. She didn't know he was dead. She took over another girl's client list, and before you know it, she's in bed with the son. Turns out she drugged him and left him in a hotel because this club is totally secret and filled with the most powerful men in the world. Chuck's considered an "outsider" but he doesn't care and even promises to protect this girl. Yowsa, he fell hard!

Nate invites V over and she's got a note and a mask. Sounds like they're re-enacting their own little gentleman's club for two, and it's kinda creepy.

B's actually doing her best to move on and not hold onto the past. She found another school that it's not too late to apply to. However, before Blair gets too far on her path to discovery, S drops the bomb on her; she was right about Lonely Boy and Teacher. S hands over the picture and B actually apologizes, though she insists on getting down to her dad's meeting.

BTW: Mama Van Der Woodsen is totally the only adult making any sense at that meeting. She says if they shut down Gossip Girl, 100 others will show up. Plus, the show would have to change its name. Rufus and Lilly are on total opposite sides of the coin, but before the argument gets too heated, Blair shows up with her new evidence. Everyone's shocked. I haven't seen the adults so shaken by the kids' world since Jenny threw a fashion show in the middle of a gala!

Meanwhile, it's a throwdown in the hallway between S and Lonely Boy. She finds out Dan didn't kiss Teacher, as if that's better than trying to hold her in a public place and stroking her face! Hello! Do you see me going to 5pm coffee dates with my teacher and stroking on his face? I don't think so. The meeting gets out, and Lilly goes one way while Rufus goes the other. Oh, and Ms. Carr? She's dunzo.

Blair throws her victory in Dan's face, but it's totally not the time because Daddy Waldorf is listening in and he's shocked and horrified to see his daughter's true colors. He needs some fresh air, and so do Lonely Boy and S. They sit across from one another and break up again. The cycle comes around and the two just can't deal with all their issues. So, it's splitsville.

The next morning, Dan and Rufus have trouble talking about things, but Rufus finally makes sense. Turns out he was on the team that helped get Ms. Carr fired, and Lonely Boy's not too happy about it. He wants to be the one punished instead of Ms. Carr. Meanwhile, S admits to Ms. Carr that she took the picture of Lonely Boy and her. Teacher gives Serena her paper, and then basically kicks her out. For the second time, a Constance girl asks for forgiveness and Ms. Carr refuses to give it. Maybe she is learning…

Back at Chez Waldorf, Blair talks to her newly recovered Handsome, only to stop the chit chat when her father walks in. Turns out Handsome has to go home with Daddy Waldorf, who is disappointed in his daughter and worried about her. She says she lied to get into Yale, and he tells her what college she goes to doesn't matter as much as what kind of person she grows up to be. Blair wants to take her Daddy to the airport, but he wants to give his little girl time to think. For the first time, it really hits her.

Meanwhile, Chuck goes through his father's safe and finds a whole mess of the little cards that led Chuck to the gentleman's club. Chuck gets a phone call from the family Elle nannies, and they say she never came back. Scary stuff right there. Looks like we're getting into the seedy underbelly of the UES and beyond.

Dan shows up at Ms. Carr's and she totally lays one on him because she doesn't teach at Constance anymore. Omg.

Little does she know, but Headmistress Queller wants to bring Ms. Carr back because they can't prove there was an affair between Lonely Boy and Teacher. OMG!

S calls Dan to apologize and says she'll see him at school. Meanwhile, Dan and Teacher totally get it on. OMFG!!

(The CW)